Loose Bobby Pins

Really, I'm Not This Tragic

2008-04-18T09:16:00.002-06:00

These Blogger posts are rather dull.
I believe I write in this abandoned blog when I have nothing else better to do, or when I lack imagination.
Like today
I should get another blog, make things more fun - eh?

Sexiled

2008-04-12T23:29:00.003-06:00

Damn it, I've finally been sexiled.

Mohn lounge at 12:30am on a Sunday.

Mood

2008-03-08T23:28:00.005-07:00

I appear to be calm and composed on the exterior.

On the interior I'm turbulent and tense.

ROAR!

Rearranged Room

2007-07-30T17:11:00.000-06:00

I rearranged my room. I like it better now, the atmosphere is more inviting. But, is it a waste of effort when I only have a month left of summer vacation?

I hate this summer. I have ultimately decided I am not returning to the feeble town of Cheyenne next year. I am wasting my time doing nothing and everything here. Working at the Holiday Inn is not cutting it for me, and I do not plan on being sucked into mindless labor for the rest of my life. I sound like I'm full of hate and contempt, but I am not over exaggerating.

I could write more, but I don't have the ambition to. Yet, I must end this brief post with a cliche: the rearranging of my room is like the rearranging of my life. Or, I can look at it like this: the rearranged room was laborious and seemed like a waste of time, but in the end it was satisfying and provided some joy for me this summer.

The Vague Future

2007-06-04T23:19:00.001-06:00

Here I am, sitting on my bed, looking at graduate schools. Some may say it’s too early to look, “You have only completed one year of undergrad. Chill, relax…”

No, I don’t find that to be a viable excuse. I have ambitions for life and I am going to go to grad school and earn a PhD in French History. No one is going to stop me, not even myself. I am going to major in French, Latin, and History at St. Olaf College in 2010. I am going to scrounge up the money somehow to go to a top institution for the following 5-7 years. I am going to focus all my time and energy into academics. That’s my goal. By the time I’m 30, I want to be hired at some academic institution and teach whatever it is I specialize in. It seems easy right now, but it’s going to be hard.

This summer, I’m equipping myself with a general knowledge of the entire course of French history. Starting from the Stone Age, I have so far gone through Roman Gaul, the Merovingian and Carolingian dynasties, the gradual rise and fall of the Capetians, the crusades and the rising Valois in the middle ages…and now I am at the brink of the Renaissance. Soon I’ll hit the Reformation, the Enlightenment, the Revolution, the Restoration, the Fin-de-Siècle, the World Wars, and the Mitterrand presidency where the book ends. I’m quite excited, and haven’t realized my potential for this before. Or maybe I have, since history professors and teachers alike adore me…and I do well in those classes. Along with my self-teaching, I am finishing the fantastic Les Misérables. Following, I have a list of books I want to read before I head back to Northfield in the fall. I’m just nervous I won’t get everything done…

I’m afraid my social life is dwindling. I am not an unsociable person, but since I’ve come back I am experiencing withdrawals of my St. Olaf social circle. My Cheyenne friends are somehow “too busy” to see me. Or am I “too busy” to see them. For example, one has failed to call me when she specifically told me she would. “But, Danni, you are not trying hard enough. Call her.” The funny thing is that I have. When I did, she was busy. I’m afraid to admit that my friendship with her has been slowly breaking. We only talk on Facebook, which is pathetic, and I haven’t seen her at all during the two weeks I’ve been here. I miss her, for she was the person I discussed all my philosophies and interpretations of life with. I joked and laughed with her, and I also cried and discussed “grave issues” with her. Now, I no longer turn to her. Nor does she turn to me. It’s disappointing, but I’ve predicted this would happen. Being separated by a severe distance for nine months takes a serious toll. Now, add another who knows how many years. It’s inevitable.

On the subject of social life, I have implemented a very strict dating agenda. I don’t want a relationship at all. I don’t want to be emotionally and physically attached and strained to a certain person during these next few intense years. And I especially do not want to be so involved with someone by the time I graduate that I’m restricted to where I pursue my education. Sure, I can casually go on dates, but nothing serious. I just want to accumulate friends and support systems. I want independence, liberty, and my Saturday nights free. I am a self-sufficient woman who doesn’t plan on taking crap from anyone. As difficult as this may seem, I have full confidence I can carry this out. It has worked so far for the first 19 years of my life. Now that I’m wiser, it should be easier. But I cannot let my arrogance carry me too far, for I’m always finding myself mistaken.

It's Been Over a Year...

2007-03-05T18:43:00.000-07:00

...and here I am.

I'm tired. I want to not do anything. I am complaining, and I know that I shouldn't.

Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant.

I'm just annoyed, I guess you can say, about others around me. Sometimes I wonder how loyal my "friends" really are. One in particular, I don't understand why his character fluctuates.

First impression: self-absorbed jackass.
Getting to know him: sensitive and very caring. humorous too.
Spending time with him: great.
Infatuation: exhilarating, bemusing, upsetting.
Post Infatuation: still hopeful for more than just a buddy.
Light-years from Infatuation: annoyed. impatient with arrogance, questioning my own ignorance of this before. feeling "used".

Kris explained that I'm more of a "constant" friend to this person. He expects me to be there for him when he needs. But if he doesn't, he can go about his business and almost "forget" me.

"When he comes by the room, it really throws him off if you're not here. It appears that he expects you to be here so he can feel better about himself."

How can my presence satisfy his selfish desires? Saying, "Hello, how are you?" strikes his ego and allows him to think that I actually care about his mood? Lately, I honestly can say I don't. I feel awful to admit it, but the way he's been treating me makes it so.

How did I get in this position? How can one create a collection of friends like this? It's absurd, and certainly ridiculous. But, there's nothing I can really do about it.

Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant.

Close-mindedness.

Senioritis

2006-02-26T21:48:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say.

I think I'm ready for fall. Not in the literal sense, considering I still have many things to complete before I graduate. Plus, I still won't hear from desired colleges for another month. Yet, in the emotional and mental sense - I'm ready. I need to leave. My secondary education needs to come to an end. Let's go...

I have no reason to elaborate. Who reads this?

Rip Them Up. Tear Them Up. Go Big Blue.

2006-02-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

Gee. Weblogs are not my forte anymore.

I've realized things are just ridiculous. Drama is played about everywhere. I am shaking my head to everything around me, wondering why people act the way they do. It baffles me, that's for sure.

Oh, well...I am in highschool. That could explain it.

So, today was the grand East vs Central basketball extravaganza. Terrible amounts of planning and effort are put into this rival sporting event. As part of the East High choir, as well as a select member in Singers, I had to lend my hand in this fiasco. My voice is sore from singing the National Anthem countless times within the last couple days, as well as shouting (while carrying a tune) to the absurd African song during the half-time show. True, it wasn't wise on my part to scream at the game, wondering out loud why our players were incompetent. But, will I ever remember this? Is it really worth my time to jeopardize my well-being to sing and shout at these particular basketball games?

Short answer, yes. Although I find it incredibly bizarre that we care so much about placing a ball into a netted hoop, it still means alot. Today - as I was standing amongst students who make me wonder if they have looked themselves in the mirror and thought they looked even halfway decent - I got to show my dedication and appreciation for my school. No, I don't believe highschool is great or even good for that matter. But, considering how highschools are...East really isn't an awful place. I've had a fairly pleasent three and a half years there, so why shouldn't I tear my lungs out in support for our school's sporting teams? I don't give a damn about basketball in real life, but in highschool life - basketball is alright. Plus, it's not only basketball we support during this spectacle. We support the dance, cheer, and step teams, the ROTC Blackwatch and Air Force One, the pep band and drumline, and not to mention the choir. We all crowd in this over-heated gym, inhaling each other's bad odors and sweat, to form a sense of community and alliance. While we chant ridiculous cheers such as, "East High, East High, don't be shy. Let us hear your battle cry. V-I-C-T-O-R-Y, VICTORY is our battle cry!" and shout at the athletes on the court, we interact with each other that makes standing in that gym worthwhile. It's a highschool experience.

What am I saying? Honestly, I don't know. If I had to guess, I would say that all in all...no matter how ridiculous life may seem, you can always find some good in it.

Oh, Oh, Oh It's a Lovely War!

2005-10-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

Eradicate deadlines!

I guess that would be the more “polite” way to say fuck deadlines…

For the past few months, I feel like I’ve been put through a meat grinder over and over again. Oh, this is not just any meat grinder – a meat grinder used in the processing of McDonald’s hamburgers. I use this imagery to describe my tiredness and pandemonium along my increase of unhealthy habits. My room is a mess, I cannot see the floor. Papers are flying everywhere; I don’t know how I manage to keep track of school assignments and that sort. Empty pop cans and dirty dishes are piling up on every surface; my trashcan is filled with empty fast food bags and paper cups. I’m sure if I had a normal metabolism, I would be so overweight, I would no longer be able to look down and see my feet. This behavior of mine is ridiculous, I hate it…but I don’t know what to do fix it.

I never realized that senior year would hit me with a full blow. I’m sure if stress was in the form of bullets being shot by an immense machine gun, I’d be dead in a second. Hmmm…I guess I could keep going with the WWI analogy (Ludwig would be so proud) by describing the battles between me and the demanding world as a stalemate. You have me on one side, peering over the sludgy trenches at the enemy - senior stress - on the other side, scowling. I fire my rifle, only to find that I get fired back at….

BANG!

(slight pause)

BOOM!

I load again…

BANG!

(another brief moment)

BOOM!

C’mon, blow the man down!

BANG!

(enemy loads)

BOOM!

Shit.

So yes, long story short: I’m stressed. College applications are due in a few short months; scholarships are flying in like a plague of locusts. Standardized tests are made for the sole purpose to discourage and fluster people, I’m assured – what points do they prove, anyway? School is a menace…there never is a break. Parents are consistently nagging, teachers are consistently demanding, and peers are consistently bewildering. Will this war ever end?

I say that all deadlines that are piling up are just nuisances. However, the irony of this situation is enlightening – I know in the end I will be glad I went through all this.

Yvette Guilbert

2005-08-23T23:58:00.000-06:00

Yvette Guilbert.

The ultimate over-indulged celebrity during the fin-de-siècle. Her husky, raunchy voice would blare songs about the lower-class life or being drunk in nightclubs and cabarets in Montmartre.

Although she was not the most talented performer in her day, she was popular. Why? The recognition of her materialized black gloves and her smooth, satin dress made her known. Monsieur Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec captured this image here, along with every other Parisian artist trying to pay his rent or get another glass of absinthe, and certainly dramatized this iconography.

Look at her face. Her features are almost indistinguishable. Her red lips, however, are bold and daring…demonstrating the familiarization with feminism and lipstick. The broad, vigorous paint strokes evoke a sense of bewilderment, but satisfaction. Yes, you could say Mademoiselle Guilbert had the easy life.

Easy life - what an unfamiliar concept. What would I give to go back in time and gallivant with the bohemians? Just think, living a life of near-complete independence…no worries, no stress, no cares. I may be implying too much of a strain on this concept, but the idea is there. That’s all that matters.

Welcome to the Real World

2005-08-23T02:10:00.000-06:00

It's late. Or should I say early?

I cannot stand teenagers in our society today. Sometimes I feel naive and stupid for being so oblivious as to what my peers are actually doing. It's sick. It's revolting. It's degrading.

I come from a conservative, moral, and loving background - and I tend to befriend others who fall under the same category. If you take a group of rather "good" kids, you will see that they are relatively happy, positive, and compassionate. Now, take that group of kids and place them beside another group of kids who are habitually smoking, drinking, and drugging. You will come to find that there is a great contrast of emotions and feelings. I do not understand why someone would have to rely on a substance, especially an addictive and harmful substance, to find relief from their "oh so troubled" world. Depression seems exceedingly contagious amongst teenagers, that it's almost pathetic. Emo-infested adolescents cry that their lives are completely worthless, so they might as well just die now. That's disgusting. I'm sorry, I tend to favor life and hope to prosper a lifestyle that is worthwhile.

So what got me into thinking this at 2:29 in the morning? Well, I guess you can say it is a mix of thoughts. I was thinking about Xanga...I'm not sure why though. Yet, Xanga, for one, is the ultimate breeding ground for teens to angst about their sorrowful lives. Yet, I am not saying that all Xanga members are like that, there are a good number of people who are true to themselves and have more impressible posts that I actually enjoy reading. Being a Xanga member myself, I favor posting the most random things just to give people a smile. However, I've established my Xanga retirement for next week...which means I will not be part of that community anymore. As ridiculous as it sounds, my decision to leave Xanga is almost difficult. I have many friends on Xanga, and some of them begged me to keep posting. I'm flattered, I would've never imagined that posting pictures of barbeques or talking about simple things such as the rain would captivate people's attention to the point that they will actually miss them. But I'm tired. I'm stressed, and right now I'm not handling my priorities as well as I could. I have realized that I have one year left of highschool, meaning I need to start taking an initiative as to where I want to go to college. I am not going to let my homework pile up and eventually put me in a position where I am crying because I have so much to do. I am not going to make excuses for myself to procrastinate, although these habits are excruciatingly hard to break. I am strong, and I know I can do it. And one step along the way is to limit my online activities, and I've spent an obscene amount of time with Xanga that it is almost sick. There's something inside of me telling me that life will be okay with Xanga, and I must do it. I will do it. If it comes to the point where tears are involved with this, I'm still going. Unlike many teens today, I have the willpower and the strength to say no and move on.

I need to go to sleep. I wish myself pleasant dreams...

Stupefied in Enchantment

2005-07-22T01:46:00.000-06:00

I have just finished Harry Potter.

That statement itself explains everything that I am thinking right now. Some people may say that it is ridiculous to be so moved by a book - and especially such a popularized book such as the magnificent Harry Potter. But I tend to disagree with these people - for these are the people who do not recognize all the incredible joys and wonderments that are readily availible to us. Okay, I may be a bit sensitive and passionate towards things that others do not even regard - but I speak the truth when it comes to simple pleasures in life. Never have I been so animated and installed by pages of words arranged in an ingenious form to create such an absurd, yet enticing, story about good, evil, love, hate, loyalty, betrayal, humor, and tragedy...it's purely genious. I am still stunned by this.

I love drawing myself away from the troubles of the world today to enter a truly fictionous (or non-fictionous) and captivating world. Whether I am referring to stepping inside the gates of Hogwarts or revisiting the excitements of Paris a century ago in history books...I get this sense of comfort and relief, forgetting my perils that lay before me in the present. But, contradictily, I also find itimacy immersing myself in today's society, observing and reacting with people living in the 21st century. People are fascinating to me, and I love being around them. Some may say that they do not believe me, aesthically seeing my shy qualities and introverted nature. But, they are mistaken - I may not be the loudest one in the group, but I find comfort being around others who acknowledge me. I rarely like sitting alone or working individually - I'd much rather be with people and share ideas, thoughts, and feelings. However, I don't want to be considered "just another person" within a group of people...but rather "that particular person" in a group of really great friends. I love intimacy and conversing with a certain group of people, and getting to really know these people rather than just catching their names. It all makes sense - I have grown up knowing a really tight-knit group of people, and so it clearly shows that I am attracted to that sort of relationship. There is no questioning that I undoubtingly prefer going to a small liberal arts school than an overcrowded state university. I'd rather know people on a personal basis as opposed to just an objective acquaintance.

I would refer to myself as the Ron Weasley...I am the devoted and caring friend. I am not the extremely daring and extroverted Harry Potter nor am I the apprehensive (although very brilliant) Hermoine Granger. These are what the wonders of J.K. Rowling do to me...they spur my mind to engage and think.

Long Time No See

2005-07-06T23:40:00.000-06:00

I seemed to have neglected my blogger...I don't know why - I think my life has gone completely insane these last few months. Despite my lack of commitment to this internet journal, I'm going to write tonight. Besides, who reads this anyways?

I am slow to realize that I am growing up. I have one more year of highschool left...and after that I head to college. I am almost clueless when it comes to deciding what I want to do with life and where I want to go, it is beginning to scare me. My worst nightmare is to fail in life, and regret any decisions that effected my failure. I have always suceeded in everything - and I worked hard to get where I am now. I have always put in more effort than what's expected...and I get noted for my aspirations. So, in reality, I should go to a school that appreciates my hard work and creative spirit in order for me to get what I want. But, I have this little pessimistic feeling in me saying that I will not always get what I want...and it scares me. I am anal when it comes to colleges, and for some reason I will never be satisfied if I attend LCCC or UW. The one thing that I do not like about Wyoming is the fact that the majority of highschool kids declare that Wyoming is the only place where they can go to school. There are so many other schools in our country that exceed far beyond the academics of UW...so many other environments...so many other people...so many opportunities. The highschool administrations do not make this situation any better - counselors, principles, and teachers proclaim that, "UW has this," and, "UW has that"... but what about those other colleges across the nation? Isn't highschool supposed to be a place to explore and discover opportunities that will help students decide what to do with life? Yet, instead our highschools are merely being advertisors for UW...or LCCC...or whatever. It's almost sick.

It is almost midnight, and there are so many thoughts running through my head at the same time. Thoughts about school, thoughts about this summer, thoughts about my previoius trip to Europe, thoughts about tennis, thoughts about him, thoughts about sleeping...thoughts about life. I could write a novel if I were to write about everything that was on my mind at the momemt - yet since I don't have the time nor patience, I will just sleep on it. Sleep is good to me, so I shall acquire it.

This was merely a rant...oh well, rants are alright - especially when it is 11:56 pm and you have no one to talk to except your fingers and your keyboard.

Friday Afternoon

2005-04-29T17:12:00.000-06:00

Alas...it's a Friday.

Some stress is relieved from my shoulders...but not for long. For I know that this weekend I must accomplish tasks such as cleaning and organizing my room, studying for my IB chemistry test next week, doing odd bits of homework and what not, and maybe I'll take a breath sometime in between. (Breathes...ah, that felt good.)

Taking an optimistic point of view, I look ahead and see only but a month left of school...then I can relax...but again I lie. I have a full summer schedule ahead of me, including activities such as taking the ACT in the beginning of June, traveling all around Europe with the Wyoming Ambassadors of Music for two weeks, immensly researching colleges and taking serious consideration of what I want to do with the rest of my life, work and develop my extended essay (which may even require a trip to Chicago to see an exhibition of Toulouse-Lautrec), work on art pieces for my IB senior art show, visit friends from France on the east coast, fiddle around (ha!) with Strolling Strings during Frontier Days, play and improve my tennis so I still have my reserved position on varsity next year, find a job...and fitting time to just relax with friends and family in between.

Summer - not necessarily a break from my usual busy schedule, but it will be nice not having to be mandated into going to classes for seven hours everyday.

I find that I use my blogger when I really want to speak what's on my mind. And, as usual, this whole relationship fiasco is dancing around in my head again. I recently had a revelation, and discovered a new approach to the concept of dating - or at least this is new to me. I used to be the type of girl who did not believe dating was beneficial to life - or at least my life at that time. Then, my mind altered and the idea of dating and having a particular someone didn't seem bad at all. In fact, it seemed marvelous... and so I took a plunge and made an effort to date. After the relationship crashed, I was upset and made excuses that dating was pointless...it only led to confusion and broken hearts. (I'm not saying my heart was broken, but it took a beating and still is a bit bruised.) I was whining to myself that I still had feelings and wanted him back, and I have to admit I still have some of those feelings buried deep inside of me, but things are starting to make sense now.

I finally realized that we all have our own ideal description of a "Mr. Right". But, what we may think is ideal may not even be ideal at all. So, that is why we have to date people, and find out what characteristics about that person we like...and dislike. From this, we will be able to find that perfect someone - that one that will be destined to be with us forever. Right now, Mr. Right is still to be found - it may take me years to find him, but he's out there somewhere. In the meantime, I cannot let this one little fling get to me, I have to pick myself up and try again. He will still be on my mind, but he is gradually fading away as that "someone special"...no matter what his defects are, he will always be my friend.

Mmmhmmm...Friday afternoons are great for philosophizing relationships and letting out the steam of stress. I could really go for a massage right now - know any hot guys hanging about with nothing to do but to give me a back massage right about now? Anyone?

Haha.

La Promenade

2005-04-24T15:01:00.000-06:00

Prom, it was fun. I had a really great time - dinner was great, dancing of course was sweet, and having breakfast at 1:00 in the morning is always something you should never pass up. I loved how everyone there looked so beautiful in one way or another. The mixture of formal dresses, fancy hair updos, tuxes of every color and what not, and just the way how everyone's face shone with excitement and wonder excited me. It made it that much more enjoyable.

But - there is always that "but" factor - I found myself comparing last night to a certain night a few months ago. I know I shouldn't do that, but it is almost unbearable not to. Last night brought back those pleasant memories of when I went to Turnabout with someone who was very special to me. But - this time around he wasn't there. Actually, in context he was there - but not with me. Instead of dancing with him, I was dancing with a gay friend, who in which I have no passionate feelings for and knowing he doesn't have any towards me as well. Am I considered selfish to say something like that? Maybe, but I don't care... it almost hurt to see that other person there, knowing that if it wasn't for his sudden spastic jerklike behavior - I'd be with him. People tell me I should just stop caring about him, because he was not worth my time. At times, I feel the same - but then memories come back and flutter my mind and make me miss him that much more. I see him almost every single day, and I joke around with him like a friend - but I miss him as more than a friend.

What is it about him that makes me so attracted to him? Why can't I just forget this whole thing and move on? Perhaps it's because there's a little part in me that believes that things will change and a possibility of getting together again can happen...who knows, it may? There's also another part of me that believes that he himself has these feelings as well bottled up inside his tall and gangly self. I have caught him looking at my direction more than a dozen times - looking at who he himself gave up. Whether these glances were made during class, in the hallway, on the bus coming back from Greeley or Laramie, or even when I'm talking to him directly - I can see it in his eyes that he misses me too. I even have witnesses telling me they see the same message coming from his particular body language. But, there is so drama incorporated with this boy - after going through a series of crushes and then breaking them off because of his incomprehensible behavior - I wonder why I even bother with him. Do I have more of a connection with him, or am I just another name to his list of failed relationships? Why can't I just blink and make this whole soap opera disappear?

I guess this is just a part of life's awesome and unexplained journey. One day I'll grow from this and reflect back on it with positive attributes. But today, the day after prom and self-reflection, I am tired and regreting my habits of procrastination and slovenliness.

Prom 2005 - how did you become so insightful? Or am I just full of bullshit? Ha.

Monday Marvel

2005-04-11T18:12:00.000-06:00

Today was what I would call a "Not-So-Typical-Monday". When you first think of Monday, you say to yourself, "Awww...I hate Monday!" Why is it that we hate Mondays? Why is it that a new and fresh beginning of the week is just so depressing for us? An optimistic individual would say that Monday was the day you set yourself on the right foot. A pessimistic view, which tends to be the norm for the majority of the population, would say that Monday is officially the day we start to work again. Thoughts of school, activities, jobs immediately pop into our heads when we think of Monday. Monday...what a depressing word in our society. But for some reason, today was different.

I woke up earlier than I normally would on a school day today. I was in a rather pleasant mood upon waking up, jumped out of bed and began prepping myself for the day. I think I even smiled to myself in the mirror 6:30 this morning, which is not a common thing for me to do when I just awake. I am really not a morning person, I will usually pick fights with people who try to wake me up while I am sleeping. I'm always in a rush in the morning...trying to fix my hair as I do my make up, while pulling a leg through my pair of jeans...but today everything was calm and I had all the time in the world it seemed before I headed out to my black VW beetle to drive to school.

My classes today flew by without any stresses. I found myself giggling alot, cracking jokes with those around me today. Everyone seemed to be in a great mood, and just reflecting on that makes me happy. It makes me realize that there is really no need for people to be so low and diminshed from society...because life is wonderful. I am usually a relatively happy and conscious person...I know that people around me enjoy my company. I may act a bit crazy and unrealistic at times, but I have my feet planted to the ground and have sensible knowledge to keep my sane. Basically, you can say today has been a fairly reasonable and joyous day. A Monday above all other Mondays.

So, if this day has been so well...wouldn't it just make sense to make the rest of the week just as pleasant?

All That Jazz

2005-04-07T00:20:00.000-06:00

I love listening to jazz. For some reason, whenever I play it all my stresses melt away and disappear from my life...until I turn off the music and return to the real world. I just love to close my eyes, drift away from reality and get carried by the unique lyrical and instrumental melodies...rhythmical bassline and percussion...the almost perfect way the notes play off one another. The different instruments work together, yet are still in their own little world...the tenor saxophone singing away, improvising his own tune, yet supported by the soft yet clear beating of the drumset, arpeggio chords and two-octave runs being played by the piano, the harmonization between the trombone and the trumpet...bliss.

Today was a stressful day. I had the case of nerves...knowing that I had an audition right after school. My fingers wouldn't stop tapping the desktop. My leg wouldn't stop shaking - I could not sit still. The biting of my lip may have annoyed some people as I thought about it. Constant blank stares at absolutely nothing were frequent, as my mind wandered off somewhere else. Along with nervousness, I was extremely tired as well. Okay, I am always tired, but today was overwhemling with fatigue. I found myself dozing off every few minutes in English, trying to keep my mind on Crime & Punishment. I even took a brief nap as I was leaning against the window while sitting on top of the heater. My head just found its way to the glass pane and found comfort resting there, deciding that reading a Russian novel wasn't as important than sleeping. I really wish I could get more sleep during the night, instead of at school. I could be sleeping now, but I needed to write...and it wasn't too long ago when I finished my homework.

Deep sigh. I wish I could just live the rest of my life without pesky little complications. I wish I could live a life like a jazz song. Very easy-going, carefree...harmonious and aesthetic...pleasing and perfect.

Jazz...Ah.

A Conversation

2005-04-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like a great talk with one of your friends.

I spent the entire day with Ashlie, and it reminded me of those good old times when all I did was hang out with friends - who are not guys. Lately, I've been spending my time with guys, and that's cool and what not...but they are not the same as girls. They don't like to talk about things you would normally talk with a girl, and they are...just not the same. I remember when all I did was lounge around the house with my friend Casey. I looked up to her, even though she was only a year older than I was - she always seemed to have more confidence than me. But, we would sit around her house, talking about who knows what, and just take time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Today, that same feeling came to me as I lounged around Ashlie's house, watching TV and eating food...and then sitting in her room just talking. Talking...yes...I am the type of person who would just give up hours of her time to sit with someone and just talk. A real conversation, talk...

Talk...now I'm just talking to myself...but I need to just ramble all my thoughts. After we talked tonight, an oppressive feeling overcame me. I realized how angry I was at a certain someone. Yes, this certain someone merely tore me apart, even though it was on a much smaller scale than it could be. We only had a month-long relationship, and within the relationship itself it was a bit awkward. But, I felt things were really warming up that very day he crushed the whole thing. What do you call it when he puts his arm around my shoulder, cuddling on the floor, making it appear that things were going alright - then saying he didn't want to carry it on any more? And this week has just been even harder, considering the fact I haven't been able to speak to him because he is sailing on a cruise ship to Jamaica and back. All week I wanted to tell him how I feel, and how I am still trying to cope with this situation. I was looking through the yearbook a few days ago, and I literally hit his face with my fist when I came across it. BAM! Take that, you jerk! Argh...what to do?

All I can do right now is wait...I've waited for so long, and I guess I can wait some more...wait...and talk...and wait...

Sister's Suitcases

2005-03-30T15:45:00.000-07:00

Shopping. I love to shop...well most of the time. Today I got to experience bonding time with my sister as we shopped for things she needed for her trip to Alaska tomorrow. I have no problem with this, what else was I going to do? So, we travelled to Dell Range, where most of the "busy" Cheyenne shopping is done. (Yeah, busy Cheyenne shopping?) And to my discovery, my sister is a picky and an annoying person to shop with. I'd show her one thing, and she wants another thing. I tell her this is good, and she has to disagree and find something else that is better. I was about to go out of my mind when we had to buy a suitcase for her...

Suitcase, you say? Yes, I'm pretty sure we spent a good hour contemplating over which suitcase to buy. Dori insisted she needed a name brand suitcase, because if it is name brand, then it should be good quality. Target of course had cheap brands, and were ridiculously overpriced. I suggested we go to TJ Maxx and Ross, since they carried name brands and have better prices. Going along with this idea, Dori and I found a quantity of Samsonite brand suitcases in both stores. But, there was an issue with size. "Should I get the bigger one? I don't know how much crap I have to bring with me...what if I can't fit it all?" So, I'd tell her to get the bigger one. But, my pesky sister would chime, "Would I look like a complete idiot if I had the larger one? I don't want to look like a dork." You are already an idiot, I thought, so I told her to get the smaller one. But, she debated over the different sizes as I rolled my eyes and told her to just choose. It's a suitcase for name's sake, just get one and be done. She finally decided to get the smaller one, and if she couldn't pack it all, she can always return it and get the bigger suitcase. As we were standing in line, a startled look comes across her face. "I'm having second thoughts, maybe I SHOULD get the larger one." Argh, second thought? More like twenty-second thoughts. I eventually scolded her and told her she is getting the smaller one, because I'm not going to hear her whine any more. What to do with her? I don't know. I bet that at any moment here she will come down to my room, asking if I could take her back to the store and exchange the suitcase. Man, she can be such a pushover at times.

But, as I was listening to my sister whine and complain about suitcases, I wondered if I am just this annoying too. Am I? I've never really thought about it until now. Dori and I have very similar traits, and it could be to my surprise that I am an annoyance when it comes to things like this. Perhaps I need to watch my actions and my behaviors, because it is no fun to be the other person waiting impatiently when you try make a decision as simple as choosing a suitcase.

Rastafarian Madness

2005-03-28T23:09:00.000-07:00

"Sanka man, whatcha smokin'?"
"I'm not smokin'...I'm breathin'!"

Cool Runnings, the best movie ever made. Yes, I just finished watching it. I've discovered that my dad and I share the same taste in movies...well, somewhat. When everyone else in my family critizizes our tastes, we enjoy watching what seems to be 80's and 90's comedies. Tonight, we had the urge to watch Cool Runnings and dictate all the lines and laugh at the most ridiculous parts. My sister simply whined, "Why do you always watch that retarded movie...whenever you have nothing better to do, you just sit there and watch it!" Well, sorry, sister...I happen to like it. But I know she is just jealous...haha.

So, drawing apart from those crazy Jamaican bobsledders... I've been in the weirdest moods lately. Spring break fever, I suppose. Man, I cannot stand not having anything to do. I was bored witless throughout today...and I'm beginning to realize that I would not be able to function if I sat around all day with absolutely nothing to do. I would probably turn into a sack of potatoes and rot away and sprout roots. Pathetic, I know...I need to do something. Spring break has really only just begun...and I'm already wishing that I could go back to school and go back to my activities, and go back to having a hectic life. Because of my absolute boredness, I even took great pleasure when I was washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen today. Why, I ask? What can justify this? I don't know.

I don't want to turn this post into a whinefest, but something has been really bothering me for a while. Yesterday I posted something somewhat personal on my Xanga, telling a story about a girl who liked to watch romantic movies. Well, if it wasn't obvious enough, that girl is me. My mind is bombarded with all these ideas and questions about love. Yeah yeah...kinda cheesy maybe, but right now someone who cares about me sounds really nice. I had a long conversation with a friend last night about how much we both wanted the perfect guy to come up to our doorsteps and give us a dozen roses and be with us forever. Dream on... but that's what I'm sick of. I'm sick of dreaming on...I want to move on. Just recently, I thought that maybe a relationship was going to work...but I found that it wasn't. The guy told me, "I just want to have fun during highschool." Well, what a jerk. He lead me on, and then crushed it within a matter of seconds. I don't understand how he can justify his reasoning for that...can someone please explain that to me? I wish there was a store where you can pick out the perfect man, and be with him for the rest of your life and live happily ever after. But no, life doesn't work like that I suppose.

So, in the words of Junior..."I see pride! I see power! I see a badass mudda who won't take no crap out of nobody!" How does that fit? Well, the best reasoning I can come up with is that I won't take no crap out of nobody. (I know, it's a double negative...to correctly say it you would have to replace the "no" with an "any", but who cares?) Long story short, I love Cool Runnings, but my mind is in a relationship mess. It makes no sense...again I say - who cares?

One Blog Too Many

2005-03-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

What am I doing?

You already have a blog, Danni, so why are you starting another one? Are you too good for Xanga now? Are you going insane? Well, maybe I am going insane, but I felt like I needed to write for me instead of writing for an audience. Yes, Xanga makes me feel like I'm writing for show, and seeing how many "eprops" and comments I score with each one of my posts. But, Xanga allows me to communicate with people through, how shall I say, "creative" and random posts. I like Xanga...but only to a certain extent. But, I feel like I want to write more...and write it for me instead for everyone else.

So what do I resort to? Blogger...my new blog on top of my beloved Xanga. I used to write all the time in diaries and journals...letting go of all my thoughts and ideas that cluttered my head. Through writing, I can sort out all those emotions and feelings. Letting my fingers just fly across the keyboard, pressing down keys that somehow creates what is going on in my mind relaxes me...and also amazes me at the same time. I watch as letters "magically" appear right before my eyes on my computer screen, not even looking at where my fingers are going. They seem to know where to go on the keyboard, and I'm just doing the thinking. What also creates a wonderment is that I have never learned how to properly type, yet I don't even have to look at the keyboard and my fingers still go to the right keys. Odd...

Yawn, I am tired. It's past midnight. Goodnight to you, my dear Blogger. There is so much going on in my mind, I don't think I can straighten it out by writing. Fatigue doesn't help much either. Perhaps I need to sleep on it...yes.