The Vague Future

Here I am, sitting on my bed, looking at graduate schools. Some may say it’s too early to look, “You have only completed one year of undergrad. Chill, relax…”

No, I don’t find that to be a viable excuse. I have ambitions for life and I am going to go to grad school and earn a PhD in French History. No one is going to stop me, not even myself. I am going to major in French, Latin, and History at St. Olaf College in 2010. I am going to scrounge up the money somehow to go to a top institution for the following 5-7 years. I am going to focus all my time and energy into academics. That’s my goal. By the time I’m 30, I want to be hired at some academic institution and teach whatever it is I specialize in. It seems easy right now, but it’s going to be hard.

This summer, I’m equipping myself with a general knowledge of the entire course of French history. Starting from the Stone Age, I have so far gone through Roman Gaul, the Merovingian and Carolingian dynasties, the gradual rise and fall of the Capetians, the crusades and the rising Valois in the middle ages…and now I am at the brink of the Renaissance. Soon I’ll hit the Reformation, the Enlightenment, the Revolution, the Restoration, the Fin-de-Siècle, the World Wars, and the Mitterrand presidency where the book ends. I’m quite excited, and haven’t realized my potential for this before. Or maybe I have, since history professors and teachers alike adore me…and I do well in those classes. Along with my self-teaching, I am finishing the fantastic Les Misérables. Following, I have a list of books I want to read before I head back to Northfield in the fall. I’m just nervous I won’t get everything done…

I’m afraid my social life is dwindling. I am not an unsociable person, but since I’ve come back I am experiencing withdrawals of my St. Olaf social circle. My Cheyenne friends are somehow “too busy” to see me. Or am I “too busy” to see them. For example, one has failed to call me when she specifically told me she would. “But, Danni, you are not trying hard enough. Call her.” The funny thing is that I have. When I did, she was busy. I’m afraid to admit that my friendship with her has been slowly breaking. We only talk on Facebook, which is pathetic, and I haven’t seen her at all during the two weeks I’ve been here. I miss her, for she was the person I discussed all my philosophies and interpretations of life with. I joked and laughed with her, and I also cried and discussed “grave issues” with her. Now, I no longer turn to her. Nor does she turn to me. It’s disappointing, but I’ve predicted this would happen. Being separated by a severe distance for nine months takes a serious toll. Now, add another who knows how many years. It’s inevitable.

On the subject of social life, I have implemented a very strict dating agenda. I don’t want a relationship at all. I don’t want to be emotionally and physically attached and strained to a certain person during these next few intense years. And I especially do not want to be so involved with someone by the time I graduate that I’m restricted to where I pursue my education. Sure, I can casually go on dates, but nothing serious. I just want to accumulate friends and support systems. I want independence, liberty, and my Saturday nights free. I am a self-sufficient woman who doesn’t plan on taking crap from anyone. As difficult as this may seem, I have full confidence I can carry this out. It has worked so far for the first 19 years of my life. Now that I’m wiser, it should be easier. But I cannot let my arrogance carry me too far, for I’m always finding myself mistaken.