Friday Afternoon

Alas...it's a Friday.

Some stress is relieved from my shoulders...but not for long. For I know that this weekend I must accomplish tasks such as cleaning and organizing my room, studying for my IB chemistry test next week, doing odd bits of homework and what not, and maybe I'll take a breath sometime in between. (Breathes...ah, that felt good.)

Taking an optimistic point of view, I look ahead and see only but a month left of school...then I can relax...but again I lie. I have a full summer schedule ahead of me, including activities such as taking the ACT in the beginning of June, traveling all around Europe with the Wyoming Ambassadors of Music for two weeks, immensly researching colleges and taking serious consideration of what I want to do with the rest of my life, work and develop my extended essay (which may even require a trip to Chicago to see an exhibition of Toulouse-Lautrec), work on art pieces for my IB senior art show, visit friends from France on the east coast, fiddle around (ha!) with Strolling Strings during Frontier Days, play and improve my tennis so I still have my reserved position on varsity next year, find a job...and fitting time to just relax with friends and family in between.

Summer - not necessarily a break from my usual busy schedule, but it will be nice not having to be mandated into going to classes for seven hours everyday.

I find that I use my blogger when I really want to speak what's on my mind. And, as usual, this whole relationship fiasco is dancing around in my head again. I recently had a revelation, and discovered a new approach to the concept of dating - or at least this is new to me. I used to be the type of girl who did not believe dating was beneficial to life - or at least my life at that time. Then, my mind altered and the idea of dating and having a particular someone didn't seem bad at all. In fact, it seemed marvelous... and so I took a plunge and made an effort to date. After the relationship crashed, I was upset and made excuses that dating was pointless...it only led to confusion and broken hearts. (I'm not saying my heart was broken, but it took a beating and still is a bit bruised.) I was whining to myself that I still had feelings and wanted him back, and I have to admit I still have some of those feelings buried deep inside of me, but things are starting to make sense now.

I finally realized that we all have our own ideal description of a "Mr. Right". But, what we may think is ideal may not even be ideal at all. So, that is why we have to date people, and find out what characteristics about that person we like...and dislike. From this, we will be able to find that perfect someone - that one that will be destined to be with us forever. Right now, Mr. Right is still to be found - it may take me years to find him, but he's out there somewhere. In the meantime, I cannot let this one little fling get to me, I have to pick myself up and try again. He will still be on my mind, but he is gradually fading away as that "someone special"...no matter what his defects are, he will always be my friend.

Mmmhmmm...Friday afternoons are great for philosophizing relationships and letting out the steam of stress. I could really go for a massage right now - know any hot guys hanging about with nothing to do but to give me a back massage right about now? Anyone?

Haha.

La Promenade

Prom, it was fun. I had a really great time - dinner was great, dancing of course was sweet, and having breakfast at 1:00 in the morning is always something you should never pass up. I loved how everyone there looked so beautiful in one way or another. The mixture of formal dresses, fancy hair updos, tuxes of every color and what not, and just the way how everyone's face shone with excitement and wonder excited me. It made it that much more enjoyable.

But - there is always that "but" factor - I found myself comparing last night to a certain night a few months ago. I know I shouldn't do that, but it is almost unbearable not to. Last night brought back those pleasant memories of when I went to Turnabout with someone who was very special to me. But - this time around he wasn't there. Actually, in context he was there - but not with me. Instead of dancing with him, I was dancing with a gay friend, who in which I have no passionate feelings for and knowing he doesn't have any towards me as well. Am I considered selfish to say something like that? Maybe, but I don't care... it almost hurt to see that other person there, knowing that if it wasn't for his sudden spastic jerklike behavior - I'd be with him. People tell me I should just stop caring about him, because he was not worth my time. At times, I feel the same - but then memories come back and flutter my mind and make me miss him that much more. I see him almost every single day, and I joke around with him like a friend - but I miss him as more than a friend.

What is it about him that makes me so attracted to him? Why can't I just forget this whole thing and move on? Perhaps it's because there's a little part in me that believes that things will change and a possibility of getting together again can happen...who knows, it may? There's also another part of me that believes that he himself has these feelings as well bottled up inside his tall and gangly self. I have caught him looking at my direction more than a dozen times - looking at who he himself gave up. Whether these glances were made during class, in the hallway, on the bus coming back from Greeley or Laramie, or even when I'm talking to him directly - I can see it in his eyes that he misses me too. I even have witnesses telling me they see the same message coming from his particular body language. But, there is so drama incorporated with this boy - after going through a series of crushes and then breaking them off because of his incomprehensible behavior - I wonder why I even bother with him. Do I have more of a connection with him, or am I just another name to his list of failed relationships? Why can't I just blink and make this whole soap opera disappear?

I guess this is just a part of life's awesome and unexplained journey. One day I'll grow from this and reflect back on it with positive attributes. But today, the day after prom and self-reflection, I am tired and regreting my habits of procrastination and slovenliness.

Prom 2005 - how did you become so insightful? Or am I just full of bullshit? Ha.

Monday Marvel

Today was what I would call a "Not-So-Typical-Monday". When you first think of Monday, you say to yourself, "Awww...I hate Monday!" Why is it that we hate Mondays? Why is it that a new and fresh beginning of the week is just so depressing for us? An optimistic individual would say that Monday was the day you set yourself on the right foot. A pessimistic view, which tends to be the norm for the majority of the population, would say that Monday is officially the day we start to work again. Thoughts of school, activities, jobs immediately pop into our heads when we think of Monday. Monday...what a depressing word in our society. But for some reason, today was different.

I woke up earlier than I normally would on a school day today. I was in a rather pleasant mood upon waking up, jumped out of bed and began prepping myself for the day. I think I even smiled to myself in the mirror 6:30 this morning, which is not a common thing for me to do when I just awake. I am really not a morning person, I will usually pick fights with people who try to wake me up while I am sleeping. I'm always in a rush in the morning...trying to fix my hair as I do my make up, while pulling a leg through my pair of jeans...but today everything was calm and I had all the time in the world it seemed before I headed out to my black VW beetle to drive to school.

My classes today flew by without any stresses. I found myself giggling alot, cracking jokes with those around me today. Everyone seemed to be in a great mood, and just reflecting on that makes me happy. It makes me realize that there is really no need for people to be so low and diminshed from society...because life is wonderful. I am usually a relatively happy and conscious person...I know that people around me enjoy my company. I may act a bit crazy and unrealistic at times, but I have my feet planted to the ground and have sensible knowledge to keep my sane. Basically, you can say today has been a fairly reasonable and joyous day. A Monday above all other Mondays.

So, if this day has been so well...wouldn't it just make sense to make the rest of the week just as pleasant?

All That Jazz

I love listening to jazz. For some reason, whenever I play it all my stresses melt away and disappear from my life...until I turn off the music and return to the real world. I just love to close my eyes, drift away from reality and get carried by the unique lyrical and instrumental melodies...rhythmical bassline and percussion...the almost perfect way the notes play off one another. The different instruments work together, yet are still in their own little world...the tenor saxophone singing away, improvising his own tune, yet supported by the soft yet clear beating of the drumset, arpeggio chords and two-octave runs being played by the piano, the harmonization between the trombone and the trumpet...bliss.

Today was a stressful day. I had the case of nerves...knowing that I had an audition right after school. My fingers wouldn't stop tapping the desktop. My leg wouldn't stop shaking - I could not sit still. The biting of my lip may have annoyed some people as I thought about it. Constant blank stares at absolutely nothing were frequent, as my mind wandered off somewhere else. Along with nervousness, I was extremely tired as well. Okay, I am always tired, but today was overwhemling with fatigue. I found myself dozing off every few minutes in English, trying to keep my mind on Crime & Punishment. I even took a brief nap as I was leaning against the window while sitting on top of the heater. My head just found its way to the glass pane and found comfort resting there, deciding that reading a Russian novel wasn't as important than sleeping. I really wish I could get more sleep during the night, instead of at school. I could be sleeping now, but I needed to write...and it wasn't too long ago when I finished my homework.

Deep sigh. I wish I could just live the rest of my life without pesky little complications. I wish I could live a life like a jazz song. Very easy-going, carefree...harmonious and aesthetic...pleasing and perfect.

Jazz...Ah.

A Conversation

There's nothing like a great talk with one of your friends.

I spent the entire day with Ashlie, and it reminded me of those good old times when all I did was hang out with friends - who are not guys. Lately, I've been spending my time with guys, and that's cool and what not...but they are not the same as girls. They don't like to talk about things you would normally talk with a girl, and they are...just not the same. I remember when all I did was lounge around the house with my friend Casey. I looked up to her, even though she was only a year older than I was - she always seemed to have more confidence than me. But, we would sit around her house, talking about who knows what, and just take time to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Today, that same feeling came to me as I lounged around Ashlie's house, watching TV and eating food...and then sitting in her room just talking. Talking...yes...I am the type of person who would just give up hours of her time to sit with someone and just talk. A real conversation, talk...

Talk...now I'm just talking to myself...but I need to just ramble all my thoughts. After we talked tonight, an oppressive feeling overcame me. I realized how angry I was at a certain someone. Yes, this certain someone merely tore me apart, even though it was on a much smaller scale than it could be. We only had a month-long relationship, and within the relationship itself it was a bit awkward. But, I felt things were really warming up that very day he crushed the whole thing. What do you call it when he puts his arm around my shoulder, cuddling on the floor, making it appear that things were going alright - then saying he didn't want to carry it on any more? And this week has just been even harder, considering the fact I haven't been able to speak to him because he is sailing on a cruise ship to Jamaica and back. All week I wanted to tell him how I feel, and how I am still trying to cope with this situation. I was looking through the yearbook a few days ago, and I literally hit his face with my fist when I came across it. BAM! Take that, you jerk! Argh...what to do?

All I can do right now is wait...I've waited for so long, and I guess I can wait some more...wait...and talk...and wait...