La Promenade

Prom, it was fun. I had a really great time - dinner was great, dancing of course was sweet, and having breakfast at 1:00 in the morning is always something you should never pass up. I loved how everyone there looked so beautiful in one way or another. The mixture of formal dresses, fancy hair updos, tuxes of every color and what not, and just the way how everyone's face shone with excitement and wonder excited me. It made it that much more enjoyable.

But - there is always that "but" factor - I found myself comparing last night to a certain night a few months ago. I know I shouldn't do that, but it is almost unbearable not to. Last night brought back those pleasant memories of when I went to Turnabout with someone who was very special to me. But - this time around he wasn't there. Actually, in context he was there - but not with me. Instead of dancing with him, I was dancing with a gay friend, who in which I have no passionate feelings for and knowing he doesn't have any towards me as well. Am I considered selfish to say something like that? Maybe, but I don't care... it almost hurt to see that other person there, knowing that if it wasn't for his sudden spastic jerklike behavior - I'd be with him. People tell me I should just stop caring about him, because he was not worth my time. At times, I feel the same - but then memories come back and flutter my mind and make me miss him that much more. I see him almost every single day, and I joke around with him like a friend - but I miss him as more than a friend.

What is it about him that makes me so attracted to him? Why can't I just forget this whole thing and move on? Perhaps it's because there's a little part in me that believes that things will change and a possibility of getting together again can happen...who knows, it may? There's also another part of me that believes that he himself has these feelings as well bottled up inside his tall and gangly self. I have caught him looking at my direction more than a dozen times - looking at who he himself gave up. Whether these glances were made during class, in the hallway, on the bus coming back from Greeley or Laramie, or even when I'm talking to him directly - I can see it in his eyes that he misses me too. I even have witnesses telling me they see the same message coming from his particular body language. But, there is so drama incorporated with this boy - after going through a series of crushes and then breaking them off because of his incomprehensible behavior - I wonder why I even bother with him. Do I have more of a connection with him, or am I just another name to his list of failed relationships? Why can't I just blink and make this whole soap opera disappear?

I guess this is just a part of life's awesome and unexplained journey. One day I'll grow from this and reflect back on it with positive attributes. But today, the day after prom and self-reflection, I am tired and regreting my habits of procrastination and slovenliness.

Prom 2005 - how did you become so insightful? Or am I just full of bullshit? Ha.