Really, I'm Not This Tragic

These Blogger posts are rather dull.
I believe I write in this abandoned blog when I have nothing else better to do, or when I lack imagination.
Like today
I should get another blog, make things more fun - eh?

Sexiled

Damn it, I've finally been sexiled.

Mohn lounge at 12:30am on a Sunday.

Mood

I appear to be calm and composed on the exterior.

On the interior I'm turbulent and tense.

ROAR!

Rearranged Room

I rearranged my room. I like it better now, the atmosphere is more inviting. But, is it a waste of effort when I only have a month left of summer vacation?

I hate this summer. I have ultimately decided I am not returning to the feeble town of Cheyenne next year. I am wasting my time doing nothing and everything here. Working at the Holiday Inn is not cutting it for me, and I do not plan on being sucked into mindless labor for the rest of my life. I sound like I'm full of hate and contempt, but I am not over exaggerating.

I could write more, but I don't have the ambition to. Yet, I must end this brief post with a cliche: the rearranging of my room is like the rearranging of my life. Or, I can look at it like this: the rearranged room was laborious and seemed like a waste of time, but in the end it was satisfying and provided some joy for me this summer.

The Vague Future

Here I am, sitting on my bed, looking at graduate schools. Some may say it’s too early to look, “You have only completed one year of undergrad. Chill, relax…”

No, I don’t find that to be a viable excuse. I have ambitions for life and I am going to go to grad school and earn a PhD in French History. No one is going to stop me, not even myself. I am going to major in French, Latin, and History at St. Olaf College in 2010. I am going to scrounge up the money somehow to go to a top institution for the following 5-7 years. I am going to focus all my time and energy into academics. That’s my goal. By the time I’m 30, I want to be hired at some academic institution and teach whatever it is I specialize in. It seems easy right now, but it’s going to be hard.

This summer, I’m equipping myself with a general knowledge of the entire course of French history. Starting from the Stone Age, I have so far gone through Roman Gaul, the Merovingian and Carolingian dynasties, the gradual rise and fall of the Capetians, the crusades and the rising Valois in the middle ages…and now I am at the brink of the Renaissance. Soon I’ll hit the Reformation, the Enlightenment, the Revolution, the Restoration, the Fin-de-Siècle, the World Wars, and the Mitterrand presidency where the book ends. I’m quite excited, and haven’t realized my potential for this before. Or maybe I have, since history professors and teachers alike adore me…and I do well in those classes. Along with my self-teaching, I am finishing the fantastic Les Misérables. Following, I have a list of books I want to read before I head back to Northfield in the fall. I’m just nervous I won’t get everything done…

I’m afraid my social life is dwindling. I am not an unsociable person, but since I’ve come back I am experiencing withdrawals of my St. Olaf social circle. My Cheyenne friends are somehow “too busy” to see me. Or am I “too busy” to see them. For example, one has failed to call me when she specifically told me she would. “But, Danni, you are not trying hard enough. Call her.” The funny thing is that I have. When I did, she was busy. I’m afraid to admit that my friendship with her has been slowly breaking. We only talk on Facebook, which is pathetic, and I haven’t seen her at all during the two weeks I’ve been here. I miss her, for she was the person I discussed all my philosophies and interpretations of life with. I joked and laughed with her, and I also cried and discussed “grave issues” with her. Now, I no longer turn to her. Nor does she turn to me. It’s disappointing, but I’ve predicted this would happen. Being separated by a severe distance for nine months takes a serious toll. Now, add another who knows how many years. It’s inevitable.

On the subject of social life, I have implemented a very strict dating agenda. I don’t want a relationship at all. I don’t want to be emotionally and physically attached and strained to a certain person during these next few intense years. And I especially do not want to be so involved with someone by the time I graduate that I’m restricted to where I pursue my education. Sure, I can casually go on dates, but nothing serious. I just want to accumulate friends and support systems. I want independence, liberty, and my Saturday nights free. I am a self-sufficient woman who doesn’t plan on taking crap from anyone. As difficult as this may seem, I have full confidence I can carry this out. It has worked so far for the first 19 years of my life. Now that I’m wiser, it should be easier. But I cannot let my arrogance carry me too far, for I’m always finding myself mistaken.

It's Been Over a Year...

...and here I am.

I'm tired. I want to not do anything. I am complaining, and I know that I shouldn't.

Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant.

I'm just annoyed, I guess you can say, about others around me. Sometimes I wonder how loyal my "friends" really are. One in particular, I don't understand why his character fluctuates.

First impression: self-absorbed jackass.
Getting to know him: sensitive and very caring. humorous too.
Spending time with him: great.
Infatuation: exhilarating, bemusing, upsetting.
Post Infatuation: still hopeful for more than just a buddy.
Light-years from Infatuation: annoyed. impatient with arrogance, questioning my own ignorance of this before. feeling "used".

Kris explained that I'm more of a "constant" friend to this person. He expects me to be there for him when he needs. But if he doesn't, he can go about his business and almost "forget" me.

"When he comes by the room, it really throws him off if you're not here. It appears that he expects you to be here so he can feel better about himself."

How can my presence satisfy his selfish desires? Saying, "Hello, how are you?" strikes his ego and allows him to think that I actually care about his mood? Lately, I honestly can say I don't. I feel awful to admit it, but the way he's been treating me makes it so.

How did I get in this position? How can one create a collection of friends like this? It's absurd, and certainly ridiculous. But, there's nothing I can really do about it.

Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. Rant.

Close-mindedness.

Senioritis

I have nothing to say.

I think I'm ready for fall. Not in the literal sense, considering I still have many things to complete before I graduate. Plus, I still won't hear from desired colleges for another month. Yet, in the emotional and mental sense - I'm ready. I need to leave. My secondary education needs to come to an end. Let's go...

I have no reason to elaborate. Who reads this?